Happy fuckin’ fourth. My extended weekend started out so perfectly. V and I spent four wonderful days at the family lake house with loved ones. We watched the 4th of July boat parade, the fireworks show, took a fabulous nature walk – a Norman Rockwell weekend, really.

The Husband elected to stay home this weekend to work on the house. Being that our home is a fixer-upper, this isn’t out of the ordinary. The plan was for V and I to come home today, the fourth, so that we could – as a family – attend a bbq at a friend’s house. The plan … sigh.

While my husband was taking a bit of a cat nap, I turned on the computer for the first time in four days only to find out that the computer was actually in sleep mode. When it came alive, it was on my husband’s email account – his IN box. This has happened before, and I believe in respecting his privacy (to a degree, obviously), but this time it was opened to an email from a woman whose name I did not recognize and the title of the email was “meet for coffee” or something like that.

Of COURSE I read it. Wouldn’t you?

Well, I got a lot more than I bargained for – those unexpected fireworks. The bad kind. The email was from a friend of a woman that my husband evidentally had an affair with. The woman he had an affair with had died suddenly – and this friend of hers reached out to my husband so that they could share their thoughts and memories about the woman who passed. All so fucking touching, eh? Excuse me for not being a bit more respectful of the recently deceased – but I’m pissed right now because it’s only been a few hours since I found out that my husband screwed around on me.

In reading through all of emails back and forth between the two of them, my husband shares with this friend that he loved the woman, that he should have married her, that their relationship was amazing, etc. etc. Of course, he didn’t share that he is married and has a child. Of course he didn’t – fucking bastard.

So, there I sit at the kitchen table … what the hell do I do now? I know if I confront him, he’ll lie and find some twisted way to put some kind of blame back on me.

Exacto-mundo!

According to the bastard, they were just friends, they had no physical relationship contrary to what the emails indicated, and that he didn’t know why he typed those things to the woman’s friend – whom he’s only met once. He went on to say it may have been his way of getting back at me for the hurt he felt after he found out that I ran in to an ex-boyfriend at work and didn’t tell him about it. DOES HE THINK I’M STUPID??? First off, said incident with my ex-boyfriend was four years ago and the emails were current. Secondly, I read all the emails … he didn’t make the shit up. It happened.

So, now what? I’ve got a cheater and a liar for a husband. I’ve heard stories such as this over the years – on talk shows, through friends, etc., and I always thought that if my husband ever cheated on me that I would, without question nor hesitation, leave instantly. A person’s perspective sure does change when a young child is in the picture.

What’s really strange about all of this is what I’m feeling. I’ve never been through this before so I’m not sure exactly how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve got a lump in my throat, I’ve got an upset stomach, but I’m not a blubbering mess as one might expect. Am I still too shell-shocked? Will the blubbering-mess come later? What the hell am I going to do now?? Oh, wait … I guess all it took was typing that out because here come the tears. But I’m not even sure the tears are about dishonesty and the fact that I was cheated on. I think they’re more about the fact that I have to make a decision about what to do now.

Until I can get him to be honest with me about the affair, I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. Problem is, I’m not so sure he’s going to be honest with me. He’s lived a life covering up fact with non-truths regarding a rough upbringing – so the lying thing comes oh-so-naturally.

Wow. I’ve never felt so lost and unsure of my future.

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